Just when you think you escape the despair of V-day...it creeps up on you!

So tonight I met up with Kiesha. I haven't seen her since graduation plus I welcomed the distraction of  a visit from someone new. She picks me up, we go to H&M mid-town. We part ways while she shops, I decide to go to Barnes & Noble to sit and chill. I don't know whaat it is about H&M, but I just can't stand being in there. I guess I feel it's too crowded and hectic mostly. Anyway, she called me while I was at Barnes & Noble and stated she needed help in deciding which outfits are job worthy. I'm like sure whatever because I don't see her often I'll suck it up and sit in a danky dressing room and be nice. All the while, I'm starving...and yes, I had a multi-grain bagel with tea at the bookstore but I barely digested the joint before she called me. But that's neither here or there.

What I really want to talk about is our dinner at Busboys & Poets on 5th Street. So we settle in at our table and we bigin to discuss this book she's been reading The Art of Seduction. It gained my attention because it basically listed different types of seducers/seductresses. Anyway, we continue to talk about the book and her intent to study it more seriously. Our waiter, the bartender comes up and asks for our order, but of course we aren't ready as of yet. He returns, we order, then he asks where we're from. Well I say that I'm local and she explains that she's from Miami. I thought he was friendly, but not overly so...you know? We get our food along with our wine and continue to talk about the book. The bartender comes back and asks us if we wanted a drink something sweet...dessert type sweet. I'm like sure why not as I'm a sucker for sweet stuff. Kiesha is mad hesitant, but relented. He brings us some drinks...tasted like bailey's cream with some added chocolate syrup w/ maybe cherry liquour. We ask where he's from as he has an accent and he's like guess. Kiesha guesses Ukraine and he's like no but if we guess incorrectly 5x then we'll have to take another of his special drink. He comes back and I guess (correctly) that he's from Croatia. He was pleasantly surprised as many people don't know that his country exist. Now at this point it's obvious he's flirting, but with whom I'm not sure. So he goes back to tend to the bar and I'm like Kiesha he's flirting but I don't know with whom...he's kinda cute maybe I should flirt back and see what happens. Kiesha was like I would drop it because it's not clear at all.

So dude comes back and he chats us up some more telling us about being married and getting a divorce a year ago. It was actually an interesting story as his American wife was on holiday in Croatia, they met, exchanged emails, she visited a month later, I guess more communicating, and voila...they got married! Made me think that me and Miguel could've sooooooooooooo made it had I just gotten his email. LOL Anyway, I digress. Bartender keeps getting interrupted and asks if we mind moving to the bar so we can continue chatting. By the way, it's still unclear as to which one of us he's trying to talk to. We sit at the bar and Kiesha rants about guys being simple and the book doesn't really state anything new. She rants in front of dude and says guys just want attention, nasty sex, and access to food. He cosigns and agrees wholeheartedly. Then I said that I'm just not the seducing type and asked isn't that what guys do? He answered that seduction is 5% what you know and 95% of practice.

Did I mention that I figured out who he was indeed flirting with? No need to guess you already know it wasn't me. So I do what I do best in these situations and I withdraw. I begin to withdraw from the conversation with dude and even Kiesha. At this point, I'm just reading the book because clearly I'm the one who needs pointers. It's so funny on so many levels. I broke up with Marcus since September, but it's like I can't even buy a date. I was excited to see Kiesha...I mean I even put on some makeup and bumped my hair because it was a girl's outing. I even scheduled our dinner for Saturday because I didn't want to be accosted by the entire Valentine's Day holiday. It didn't matter...felt like a loser anyway. I was pleasant, engaged in conversation, listened, etc. it counted for naught because I don't have that je ne sais quoi or suffice it to say sexual energy. I mean I thought the guy was cute but it wasn't like I was I was smitten; however, I was open to the possibility of something. Shit to be honest...nowadays, anything. Anyway, my whole energy just sapped...I felt unattractive and silly for thinking that maybe he was flirting with me. Hey...just maybe for once I'm the chosen one and not the chopped-liver look-a-like sidekick. I guess I was unprepared to feel that. It's one of the reasons I don't go out that often. In a city where black men seem to want every other race except their own, I thought might as well be game for any race to date. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that maybe other races aren't interested either. The evening was so warped...I'm flirting with him...he's flirting with Kiesha...and Kiesha is probably saying hell no in her head because she doesn't date white guys.

Anyway, I treat (don't ask me why) and we're about to leave. Bartender drops the bomb...oh...I'm coming down to Miami in March for some music festival. He's like what's the area code down there 301...we're like naw...it's 305. That was his opening to ask Kiesha for her number. Sorry to say...it was painful to witness. I go out and try or at least I call it trying and it's just not enough, you know? My sentiment right now...is why bother? It's all bullshit anyway. But what really gets me is the fact that I'm giving some random stranger power over my feelings of my beauty. I guess honestly I don't feel all that beautiful and the more I put on makeup (playing dress up basically) and attempt to interact with the opposite sex...the more I feel out of place.

I guess that's all...I'm mad tired. So despite my appointment at the spa later on today to feel special despite not being in a relationship, my feelings were hurt the day before. Ha! Maybe I should take the whole week off leading up to V-Day. I should call it V-bomb! Sleep is more important right now...so whatever.

V-Day coming up!

So I haven't been on this joint for a while. I mean you would think I would have turned to you during my break up w/ the ass, but no I have to wait until Valentine's Day is approaching to seek out your comfort. Anyway, I thought that I would finally have a boyfriend on this freaking made up holiday. I know it's commercial over kill, but the "teenager" in me is screaming for the flowers, chocolates, and jewelry. I read somewhere that I should just treat it like any other day...NOT! I've been obsessing over this day since I was like 12 years old. How can I now just stop?

I would like to think I'm mature enough to realize that I don't "need" a valentine. However, after waiting for so long to have one...I don't know. Last year, I made a big to-do out of it. I went to the spa and got a man-pedi combo, bought some french lingerie, and wrote in my journal while sipping tea at Starbuck on 16th & K St. NW.

I'm trying to remind myself that loving oneself is paramount to anything else like having a man to say: "Hi, Sweetheart!" This year, I changed my scheduled massage to a mani-pedi combo and I will probably stop by Sephora for a new tube of lipstick or something. We'll see what I get into. I'll just remember that I love me and that's what counts, you know?

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." --Oscar Wilde

Feelings...nothing but those freaking feelings...

I've been really in tuned with my body of late which is really creeping me out. I notice side effects after I eat, I can tell you how many headaches I get a day, and that I'm feeling a bit fatigued more than usual and not to mention the stiff neck and tingling sensation in my back I feel sometimes. Anyway, I'm basically new as a hypochondriac but I know that this description fits me. Actually, there's a new term for this...cyberchondriac. I google all my symptoms and come up with the worse results ever. The problem occurs when I read a couple of symptoms for a specific diagnosis and immediately believe that my symptoms fit...oh...the horror sometimes. Also, once I google my symptoms I can't get the diagnosis out of my head...so now...whereas before I just had a severe headache, now I'm thinking my severe headache may possibly be a sign of some freaking disease. And what is a pinched nerve anyway? I feel like I have them all over.

I never use to be like this. Stress from the past year and up to date is the culprit...I know it is. I can link my first anxiety attack to the bar exam. Now I worry about everything. If I haven't had a particular sandwich for a month or two, now...I'm like "Should I eat this or eat something that I've had consistently?" I know...I'm over thinking everything and that's not good particularly because I feel like its approaching the compulsive stage. I have to get out this type of thinking. Oh...how I miss the days I was a human garbage disposal and I ate everything and anything I wanted without thinking of any consequences. I think I just have to take life slow...and remember to breathe and that every little thing is not about me. This itself is hard because I do believe most things are about me...well sometimes anyway.

This summer is for me to learn how to relax and have fun again. I miss being in a relaxed state and sleeping definitely does not count. By the end of the year, I hope I have remembered how to relax and not take things too personally. You know what? I'm going to try a new sandwich or dish next week. I'm tired of letting my worrying stop me from enjoying life. Until next time...

Bad News...

I got my bar exam results...I did not pass. I told myself that this time around I would wait for the letter instead of rushing home and going through the unofficial list matching up my number, but I even took a cab home because I just could not take not knowing. I'm definitely disappointed; however, I've been through this before. The second time failing isn't as heartbreaking as the first. Don't get me wrong...I still shed a couple of tears...but instead of being in mourning for a month like last time...I think tonight is enough. I have to get my thoughts together and regroup. 'Till next time

Emotions running wild on D-day

Okay...Today is the day I find out about my bar results. One of my close friends' second attempt was a no go so I'm a bit more anxious today. Yesterday was crazy...I kept trying to distract myself from thinking of the results, but to no avail. Right now I'm at work...obviously not working...but this will only take a minute. If I could just acknowledge my feelings right now maybe I won't feel so wound up. Thus helping out my work product. Anyway...it's amazing how so much self-doubt appears right before results come out. These past 2 months I hardly spent any time thinking of the exam. I was like "What's done is done." Now...I'm thinking...was it enough this time around? I am really scared. Last time I announced to the world that I was taking the exam...proudly wearing the torment of studying for the bar as a badge of honor. This time around...I hardly told anyone...maybe 2 friends, none of my family, a few strangers who saw my Barbri books and that's about it. I thought if I told less people then I would feel less pressure and thus better performance. It kinda worked during the preparation for the exam. However, I had to outright lie to some folks. People would ask "Are you taking the exam in February?" I would reply no...I'll probably take it in July. Now I'm wondering if all the secrecy was even worth it. Whatever.

Also, what's really weird is that last night I began to cry. I mean...I balled like a little baby and I couldn't control it. I was laying on my bed watching tv and then all of a sudden this feeling of sadness was so overwhelming that I began to cry. All the self-doubt came flooding at once. I began thinking about how I felt the first time my attempt was unsuccessful...I thought that I should never have gone to law school, what was I thinking? It's crazy how my mind is just going against me. After crying for a while, I got up and spoke out loudly to myself saying: "I am not a loser and I should not have such thoughts." It was definitely a war between self and self.

What else...oh yes, a friend called me to tell me she got her results back and she passed. This was her second attempt as well, but she sat inTX. I'm in the middle of crying and feeling like crap and I get a call from my overly positive friend...I decided to answer anyway. She stated that her mindset was totally different this time around. She claimed it from the beginning that she passed and refused to think otherwise. I am happy for her, but part of me is a bit jealous of her self-assurance. Even on my second time around...I still don't feel like I nailed that exam. So between the "Congratulations" and "I'm proud of you" I'm really thinking why some people have things so easily while others (me) seem to have the world against them. I was definitely on auto-pilot when wishing her the best. Isn't that what I'm suppose to say? Do people really call with good news to hear anything else? In her defense, she doesn't know that I took the exam again...so she doesn't know I'm waiting for results again. She was just calling to express her happiness.

Today, I'm trying to keep busy so thoughts of the bar exam won't go overboard like last night. I don't have much assignments to do today so I may try to solicit some to keep my mind busy. Blogging is definitely helping, but I can't do this all day. How messed up is it that I do all that preparation and I still doubt myself? I just have to have faith. I have faith that my results are as they should be...good or bad. If good, then I will celebrate. If bad, then I'll just take a deep breath and start all over again. What is done...is done. I have to let it go. This is me letting it go...

Just thinking...

I'm about to head to bed, but just have a few thoughts I want to jot down. There is so much stress in my body right now. This week I find out if my 2nd attempt to pass the bar was successful. I'm nervous about it because failure again would be mortifying. Maybe it's all about perspective, though. Maybe I should let it all go. I took this exam 2 months ago and did not really think about it so why 2 days before results come out am I so wound up? Anticipation is a B#$%H. I just spoke to Edith and she said we should think positively. Positive thinking is something I also struggle with. I assessed my weaknesses and tried to confront them first this time around when I studied for the bar. Hopefully, all works out. Wow...every time I think of the results there is a tingling sensation going down my back....craziness. We'll see.

What If?

There are a bunch of what ifs rumbling in my head. What if I lived alone and therefore had no added stress of living with another person? What if I moved to France for a year or two...would it be as pleasant as I think? What if I was successful in my first attempt to pass my exam? What if I knew exactly what my dream job was? Then what if I found my dream job? What if I owned my own property? What if I did not have to think of my family's problems/drama? What if I could put something down and it will remain there until I return? What if I met my Mr. Right and did not know it? Wait a second...what if there is no such thing as a Mr. Right? What if dating was not so hard? What if I could have a quiet moment to myself every morning at the same time? What if frustration was not a part of my daily routine? There are so many more what ifs, but I think that will do for now...