Feelings...nothing but those freaking feelings...

I've been really in tuned with my body of late which is really creeping me out. I notice side effects after I eat, I can tell you how many headaches I get a day, and that I'm feeling a bit fatigued more than usual and not to mention the stiff neck and tingling sensation in my back I feel sometimes. Anyway, I'm basically new as a hypochondriac but I know that this description fits me. Actually, there's a new term for this...cyberchondriac. I google all my symptoms and come up with the worse results ever. The problem occurs when I read a couple of symptoms for a specific diagnosis and immediately believe that my symptoms fit...oh...the horror sometimes. Also, once I google my symptoms I can't get the diagnosis out of my head...so now...whereas before I just had a severe headache, now I'm thinking my severe headache may possibly be a sign of some freaking disease. And what is a pinched nerve anyway? I feel like I have them all over.

I never use to be like this. Stress from the past year and up to date is the culprit...I know it is. I can link my first anxiety attack to the bar exam. Now I worry about everything. If I haven't had a particular sandwich for a month or two, now...I'm like "Should I eat this or eat something that I've had consistently?" I know...I'm over thinking everything and that's not good particularly because I feel like its approaching the compulsive stage. I have to get out this type of thinking. Oh...how I miss the days I was a human garbage disposal and I ate everything and anything I wanted without thinking of any consequences. I think I just have to take life slow...and remember to breathe and that every little thing is not about me. This itself is hard because I do believe most things are about me...well sometimes anyway.

This summer is for me to learn how to relax and have fun again. I miss being in a relaxed state and sleeping definitely does not count. By the end of the year, I hope I have remembered how to relax and not take things too personally. You know what? I'm going to try a new sandwich or dish next week. I'm tired of letting my worrying stop me from enjoying life. Until next time...

Bad News...

I got my bar exam results...I did not pass. I told myself that this time around I would wait for the letter instead of rushing home and going through the unofficial list matching up my number, but I even took a cab home because I just could not take not knowing. I'm definitely disappointed; however, I've been through this before. The second time failing isn't as heartbreaking as the first. Don't get me wrong...I still shed a couple of tears...but instead of being in mourning for a month like last time...I think tonight is enough. I have to get my thoughts together and regroup. 'Till next time

Emotions running wild on D-day

Okay...Today is the day I find out about my bar results. One of my close friends' second attempt was a no go so I'm a bit more anxious today. Yesterday was crazy...I kept trying to distract myself from thinking of the results, but to no avail. Right now I'm at work...obviously not working...but this will only take a minute. If I could just acknowledge my feelings right now maybe I won't feel so wound up. Thus helping out my work product. Anyway...it's amazing how so much self-doubt appears right before results come out. These past 2 months I hardly spent any time thinking of the exam. I was like "What's done is done." Now...I'm thinking...was it enough this time around? I am really scared. Last time I announced to the world that I was taking the exam...proudly wearing the torment of studying for the bar as a badge of honor. This time around...I hardly told anyone...maybe 2 friends, none of my family, a few strangers who saw my Barbri books and that's about it. I thought if I told less people then I would feel less pressure and thus better performance. It kinda worked during the preparation for the exam. However, I had to outright lie to some folks. People would ask "Are you taking the exam in February?" I would reply no...I'll probably take it in July. Now I'm wondering if all the secrecy was even worth it. Whatever.

Also, what's really weird is that last night I began to cry. I mean...I balled like a little baby and I couldn't control it. I was laying on my bed watching tv and then all of a sudden this feeling of sadness was so overwhelming that I began to cry. All the self-doubt came flooding at once. I began thinking about how I felt the first time my attempt was unsuccessful...I thought that I should never have gone to law school, what was I thinking? It's crazy how my mind is just going against me. After crying for a while, I got up and spoke out loudly to myself saying: "I am not a loser and I should not have such thoughts." It was definitely a war between self and self.

What else...oh yes, a friend called me to tell me she got her results back and she passed. This was her second attempt as well, but she sat inTX. I'm in the middle of crying and feeling like crap and I get a call from my overly positive friend...I decided to answer anyway. She stated that her mindset was totally different this time around. She claimed it from the beginning that she passed and refused to think otherwise. I am happy for her, but part of me is a bit jealous of her self-assurance. Even on my second time around...I still don't feel like I nailed that exam. So between the "Congratulations" and "I'm proud of you" I'm really thinking why some people have things so easily while others (me) seem to have the world against them. I was definitely on auto-pilot when wishing her the best. Isn't that what I'm suppose to say? Do people really call with good news to hear anything else? In her defense, she doesn't know that I took the exam again...so she doesn't know I'm waiting for results again. She was just calling to express her happiness.

Today, I'm trying to keep busy so thoughts of the bar exam won't go overboard like last night. I don't have much assignments to do today so I may try to solicit some to keep my mind busy. Blogging is definitely helping, but I can't do this all day. How messed up is it that I do all that preparation and I still doubt myself? I just have to have faith. I have faith that my results are as they should be...good or bad. If good, then I will celebrate. If bad, then I'll just take a deep breath and start all over again. What is done...is done. I have to let it go. This is me letting it go...

Just thinking...

I'm about to head to bed, but just have a few thoughts I want to jot down. There is so much stress in my body right now. This week I find out if my 2nd attempt to pass the bar was successful. I'm nervous about it because failure again would be mortifying. Maybe it's all about perspective, though. Maybe I should let it all go. I took this exam 2 months ago and did not really think about it so why 2 days before results come out am I so wound up? Anticipation is a B#$%H. I just spoke to Edith and she said we should think positively. Positive thinking is something I also struggle with. I assessed my weaknesses and tried to confront them first this time around when I studied for the bar. Hopefully, all works out. Wow...every time I think of the results there is a tingling sensation going down my back....craziness. We'll see.

What If?

There are a bunch of what ifs rumbling in my head. What if I lived alone and therefore had no added stress of living with another person? What if I moved to France for a year or two...would it be as pleasant as I think? What if I was successful in my first attempt to pass my exam? What if I knew exactly what my dream job was? Then what if I found my dream job? What if I owned my own property? What if I did not have to think of my family's problems/drama? What if I could put something down and it will remain there until I return? What if I met my Mr. Right and did not know it? Wait a second...what if there is no such thing as a Mr. Right? What if dating was not so hard? What if I could have a quiet moment to myself every morning at the same time? What if frustration was not a part of my daily routine? There are so many more what ifs, but I think that will do for now...

Spring Cleaning

Performing a task that one does not want to perform in the first place is not very exciting especially when it comes to cleaning. I decided to take this Saturday to begin spring cleaning. I mean...the days are getting longer, spring fashion is in season, and it is definitely time to ship out the old and make room for the new. Anyway, as I looked at this daunting task, I suddenly realized that most of the crap that needed to be shipped out is not mine. Imagine that. I'm making the piles, calling up places to donate extra clothing, and then it hits me...this apartment is full of stuff that is not mine. So the question is should I continue to clear the clutter or leave it to the rightful owner? However, the rightful owner has no problem with all the crap in the apartment and I do. I think I answered my own question. I'm going to continue clearing out what I can and those things that I believe have "sentimental value" or are of some importance I will leave them. I'm making an executive decision. If anyone has a problem with that, I'm sure they will have no problem alerting me. Back to spring cleaning. I hope this doesn't take all spring to clear out this mess. I can't believe we accumulated so much stuff. I definitely need to work on my idea of living simple. Feng shui anyone?

Living with Family Sucks!!

Does anyone know the pain that I'm going through? I just graduated from school and now live with my mother. There is a name for this...nowadays it is called "Boomerang Generation". At one point, graduation signified freedom...well now...not so much. Well, at least not for me. I was okay with living with my mother and helping her out. However, now there is another element I did not anticipate. My brother temporarily moved back in. I mean...our apartment is small...it is definitely a tight fit. I want to move out and get my own place. The problem is my mother is 65 yrs old and is not currently working. I can't leave her with my brother who has no money and no job. What kind of daughter would I be? I guess I have to suck it up right now.